Sunday, August 8, 2010

Ser-i-ously, Lindsey? (Or: Our System is Broken)

I don't really follow celebrity news. Mainly because I don't really get how anybody could give a shit about someone -just- because they were in a movie. Spoiler alert: Their lives are just as boring and they're just as big of an asshole as the rest of you.

The same applies to everyone's (FotM) favorite child-star-turned-alcoholic/drama queen Lindsey Lohan. Again, I didn't follow this story with much attention. All I know is that she was supposed to go to jail for 90 days. Ninety days... Three months, for you laymen. And what happened? She was out by day fourteen..

I've had WoW-inspired isolation sessions that lasted longer than that. Could the justice system not cope with her intense, awe-inspiring lameness for more than two weeks? My mom said she was out due to overcrowding, so with red in my eyes I started browsing the internet for a source... and I couldn't get a clear read on why she was released on account of my constant passing out. Why, you might ask?

Every article was filled with the kind of stuff that made you think she was a kidnapping victim, and had been missing for no less than a calendar year. There was an article about how she and her mother were "reunited" after two weeks apart. "I finally got to hug my daughter after two weeks of talking to her through glass."

...I didn't know you were living in your mom's uterus, Lindsey.

Seriously, though. The media parade surrounding little Miss Lohan is a fucking farce. They're all treating her like she's done nothing wrong; as though she's just a child in the wrong place at the wrong time. Every other word that I have read today has sent an impulse of pure, unadulterated rage down my spine, the kind which, if it could be harnessed into kinetic energy, would make Fat Man look like Milla Jovovich.

(That was a size pun. It was not a pun related to the proverbial bombs that are the Resident Evil movies. Thank you.)

So yeah, there was so much blood in the center of my brain responsible for being pissed off that I passed out while reading about it. At least three times. Whatever happened to being held responsible for your own actions? She had a DUI, which luckily didn't result in the injury or death of an innocent, and then violated her probation. Ninety days in solitary is too good for that little wench. I would've stuck her in gen-pop, and warmed up everyone the day before her arrival by making all the inmates watch Herbie Reloaded.

Then I'd take bets on who got to shank her first.

No comments:

Post a Comment